What I learned from postpatum depression

The death of Robin Williams and all the talk about depression has motivated me to want to talk about my own brief experience with Mild Postpartum Depression and address what helps and doesn't really help someone like me. Mostly, I got worried by the amount of people I saw posting things about being sure to let those you love know you love them and wishing that Williams had had more hugs.

That worried me because while hugs and love are great and necessary, they aren't a cure all for depression. Sadly, love does not “Always, concur all.”

When someone is going through depression, a hug and saying "I love you" might help, but it is seldom enough to break through the barrier of emptiness.

For me the worst and most emotionally damaging part of postpartum depression was not feeling of deep sadness but rather the lack of being able to feel anything emotionally, even when love was being poured out to me. I mentally registered that I was loved, but I could not feel it. The problem was not the sincerity or amount of the love being given but rather the biochemical reaction that usually accompanies expressions of love were not occurring like they should.
So in my moments of deeper depression when my husband would hold me and say how much he loved me, guess what I felt? Guilt and grief.

I felt guilt because I knew I should be feeling loved and happy and I wasn't. I knew my husband was doing all he could to make me feel happy, So I felt guilty that he was putting all that effort just to end up with a wife who didn't see the point in going on other then that I loved him and my new baby and felt it would be wrong to stop trying to get over the depression. Although, my husband said he needed me and loved me, I would think of how much easier his life would be without me. At the same time I was grieving over the lost feelings of joy I used to have, and because I wasn't feeling anything, I wasn't feeling hope that those feelings and zest for life would return. I really felt like I was never going to be happy in general, again.

Okay, now that I have said that, on to what helped me out of the depression cycle

1. I was taught that suicide is wrong and I believe in a God who cares about me and will answer my prayers. Also, I believe your spirit is eternal and that you don't change magically into some perfect being when you die. I also believed that I could be healed from what I was/was not feeling through the Atonement of Christ.

2. My case was biologically temporary (i.e. my hormones and bio-chemical reactions balanced and normalized over time). It was Postpartum Depression and went away completely after a year and became less frequent and in shorter cycles even before then. (I was only really bad for a six week stretch, then a one month stretch, and then a later two week period
3. I did know I was loved and cared for by my family, even when I couldn't 'feel' it.

4. I had a great friend who was happy, laid back, and accepting that invited me over to her apartment to just sit and visit, while I nursed and she went about her normal day of cleaning and caring for her kids. Having a place to go and just get out of the house and be in someone else's daily life really made a difference for me.

5. I started to get out more and get better sleep over time.

Now for what would have helped me to know and hear when I was depressed and what has helped me from falling into depression traps

1. Depression is not you! I wish I had been told that what I was feeling/not feeling was the result of my body adjusting to rapidly changing hormone balances and that me 'thinking happy thoughts' or just 'making a choice to be happy' wasn't going to magically make my endorphin receptors start working like they used to. For me I just need time.

2. Get out of the house. I wish someone had told me, “You are dealing with something more important than having a clean house. Going on walks and meeting with friends so you can get out of the depression zone is more important then any chores you have. A sane mother/wife means more then a nice looking home. (yes, a clean house is nice, but honestly when your depressed you aren't going to clean anyways, but rather cry about how your house is a mess and you are too useless to even clean it)

3. (This one I did get) I just wanted someone to hold me while I cried. No words. No “Its going to be okay.” Just “Let me hold you” and afterwords hearing “Thank you for letting me hold you.” For me I just wanted someone to hold my hand through the dark spots without bring attention to it

4. Finding out that not only have others dealt with it, but people I know and respect that don't fit the fragile, weak, always sad stereotype of a depressed person I conjured. People who deal with depression are not always sad and brooding. In fact, they can actually be emotionally strong and upbeat when you see them or even most of the time. Dealing with depression does not mean you are a weak person or a mental case. It mean that for some reason you brain is have trouble receiving some chemical messages you normally would receive. It can be fixed and will not last forever.