Wednesday, August 13, 2014

What I learned from postpatum depression

The death of Robin Williams and all the talk about depression has motivated me to want to talk about my own brief experience with Mild Postpartum Depression and address what helps and doesn't really help someone like me. Mostly, I got worried by the amount of people I saw posting things about being sure to let those you love know you love them and wishing that Williams had had more hugs.
That worried me because while hugs and love are great and necessary, they aren't a cure all for depression. Sadly, love does not “Always, concur all.”
When someone is going through depression, a hug and saying "I love you" might help, but it is seldom enough to break through the barrier of emptiness.
For me the worst and most emotionally damaging part of postpartum depression was not feeling of deep sadness but rather the lack of being able to feel anything emotionally, even when love was being poured out to me. I mentally registered that I was loved, but I could not feel it. The problem was not the sincerity or amount of the love being given but rather the biochemical reaction that usually accompanies expressions of love were not occurring like they should.
So in my moments of deeper depression when my husband would hold me and say how much he loved me, guess what I felt? Guilt and grief.
I felt guilt because I knew I should be feeling loved and happy and I wasn't. I knew my husband was doing all he could to make me feel happy, So I felt guilty that he was putting all that effort just to end up with a wife who didn't see the point in going on other then that I loved him and my new baby and felt it would be wrong to stop trying to get over the depression. Although, my husband said he needed me and loved me, I would think of how much easier his life would be without me. At the same time I was grieving over the lost feelings of joy I used to have, and because I wasn't feeling anything, I wasn't feeling hope that those feelings and zest for life would return. I really felt like I was never going to be happy in general, again.
Okay, now that I have said that, on to what helped me out of the depression cycle
1. I was taught that suicide is wrong and I believe in a God who cares about me and will answer my prayers. Also, I believe your spirit is eternal and that you don't change magically into some perfect being when you die. I also believed that I could be healed from what I was/was not feeling through the Atonement of Christ.
2. My case was biologically temporary (i.e. my hormones and bio-chemical reactions balanced and normalized over time). It was Postpartum Depression and went away completely after a year and became less frequent and in shorter cycles even before then. (I was only really bad for a six week stretch, then a one month stretch, and then a later two week period
3. I did know I was loved and cared for by my family, even when I couldn't 'feel' it.
4. I had a great friend who was happy, laid back, and accepting that invited me over to her apartment to just sit and visit, while I nursed and she went about her normal day of cleaning and caring for her kids. Having a place to go and just get out of the house and be in someone else's daily life really made a difference for me.
5. I started to get out more and get better sleep over time.

Now for what would have helped me to know and hear when I was depressed and what has helped me from falling into depression traps
1. Depression is not you! I wish I had been told that what I was feeling/not feeling was the result of my body adjusting to rapidly changing hormone balances and that me 'thinking happy thoughts' or just 'making a choice to be happy' wasn't going to magically make my endorphin receptors start working like they used to. For me I just need time.
2. Get out of the house. I wish someone had told me, “You are dealing with something more important than having a clean house. Going on walks and meeting with friends so you can get out of the depression zone is more important then any chores you have. A sane mother/wife means more then a nice looking home. (yes, a clean house is nice, but honestly when your depressed you aren't going to clean anyways, but rather cry about how your house is a mess and you are too useless to even clean it)
3. (This one I did get) I just wanted someone to hold me while I cried. No words. No “Its going to be okay.” Just “Let me hold you” and afterwords hearing “Thank you for letting me hold you.” For me I just wanted someone to hold my hand through the dark spots without bring attention to it
4. Finding out that not only have others dealt with it, but people I know and respect that don't fit the fragile, weak, always sad stereotype of a depressed person I conjured. People who deal with depression are not always sad and brooding. In fact, they can actually be emotionally strong and upbeat when you see them or even most of the time. Dealing with depression does not mean you are a weak person or a mental case. It mean that for some reason you brain is have trouble receiving some chemical messages you normally would receive. It can be fixed and will not last forever.

Friday, May 31, 2013


Dear Husband
I’m falling or maybe not.
I can’t decided what is best if I’m really  not

Meant to be the mother
Of such wonderful kids
I guess its better stated I can’t tell if I’m downing
Or swimming
Or flying
Its so hard to tell

What’s expected
When you sitting
Trying to get your daughter to be asleep by wishing
And pretending you don’t hear her cry and playing with the blinds
Looking out the window
To what might be a better world.

I don’t know if I’m falling
But  I feel weightless inside

It’s consent fear that my end isn’t well
I tremble that the story is not comedic, but tragic and I
Like Macbeth am the villain
Who darkens the lives around him

Please dear Dios
Free my soul from this lacking
Let it be a fairy tale ending
Not in some future that I can not see
But now around me.

Turn me to the fairy, who makes lives better
Instead of running and hiding
causing pain

Dearest Lord,
God of my youth
Come to my soul again
Light it with fire with what is True
If I am to be blinded let me be blinded by light
That I may not feel dark clouds about be

Please, let me taste, let me touch
That it is good, one sense is too uncertain.
I like a sheep can’t tell when it’s astray
Make me an under-shepherded who can see there’s gate

I fear my fire is dimming
It’s too far to see on barrowed light
Lead me dear God to where  your oil is storing, that I may fill and never thirst anymore
Dear Father in Heaven,  here we are sheep
We can not find the way by ourselves.
O Come to my heart, Thou Prince of Peace
Let me know in thee I have place.

Friday, December 14, 2012

As I sew my daughter’s Christmas dress

As I sew my daughters Christmas dress,
The cloth died red
Turns to blood
When it meets saline drops
That darken the festive cheer.

I think of the mom wrapping a gift,
Made useless in one day.
I wonder, how it feels
to have that joy ripped away?

The call that tells her,
He is not coming home
But is gone further than away.

How could that woman stand?
How can the father breath,
With bowling balls strapped to his chest,
And his child bled away?

Soon there is anger,
And instant social disdain,
Some analyze,
Some sympathize.
Some shout revenge again.
Some accuse,
Others kneel to God and pray,
But the parents will stop,
And wish the ‘some’ away.

They will enter or close the room
Where they’re baby laid.
And perhaps, throw the dress,
For their daughter made.
A life protected, done away.

A little child, just five.
Two years older than my son,
Is gone from loving arms.
So I too wish the some away.

God, please, help the hearts of those families who lost there loved ones in the Sandy Hook shooting, especially the parents of those children.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Colors There

Rose and green and blue
and gold-
Circling in the air
I would have taken a step to see
but I feared finding nothing there.

others passed, and ‘Ooow’ed and ‘Awh’ed”
or sighed a wondering sigh.
still, Still I felt I should stay,
content it was a lie

For even if the rainbow,
still no gold I’d find.

So I walked back
to a dimmer place,
warning passers by
that, that lure of lights
may not be,
all you had in mind.

Now I think no colors,
Ever danced in the sky
t’was a trick and nothing more,
I won’t believe it until I die.

I’m content, in the dark,
Where nothing satisfies.
for if you never have it,
it’s never left behind.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Feelings unsaid

We keep quiet because we fear to hurt,or more likely fear to be hated by one we strive to make happy,someone we long to call friend.
They talk in daggers, kick the ideas we hold, but they are our friend so we stay silent until the end.

It is hard sometimes, living in a place where your values and thoughts are either dismissed as the minority, a special case, or worse that you as a person don't really even have those beliefs in and of yourself and through your logical, emotional and spiritual development but rather that those beliefs are thrust upon you or part of a mass mind set that you just fell into in order to fit in the group.
There is I guess another option to, shared by someone dear to me that I am just ignorant.
I was going write more, but the fact is I still can't. I wish there was a balance in the world, but there is not.

Monday, July 12, 2010


So about 8 months ago I said I was going to post didn't happen. What did happen is I gave birth to a beautiful and cheerful boy. He takes more energy then I had expected.
I have learned there are women out there that seem to be able to have a baby, a career, and time to socialize without letting one seem to slip: But that is the extraordinary exception. I've had to come to terms that I am not one of those one in five million women who are the exception.
As soon as I set a goal to do something for myself or otherwise, something will come up: My son will have a bad night and need to be held almost all day, the house will be extra dirty or we'll need run to the store/doctor/whatever. I can not devote a day to be in a fantasy world to write fifteen to twenty pages. I have learned I must ignore the assumptions that since I am a full-time mother I must have loads of free time.
I have learned from a childhood of trying everything just enough, that while it aloud me to do a lot of things, I was never able to refine any one thing. In other words, I never devoted enough time to be a proficient. I don't want that to be true of being a mother and wife. If there is anything worth putting aside some of my other ambitions for (at least for a while) it is my family. It may be sad to say when people ask that I have not done more financially or in a field, but It is a choice. For me, I am a mother and I want to be one of the best despite the cost.

Safe in my hands,
Where the world can’t reach.
I hold you close to the soothing beat.

Sleep now, dear baby,
I’ll be the watch.
The sea will toss and turn,
But I will cradle you,
Until at you can swim.

Soon you will leave me,
To battles of your own.
For now, though,
Awake to a smile,
Dry your tears with my touch.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


So I've decided t that this blog is suppose to be a place for me to show/express thing that are striking or important to me. I therefore will be posting more often. I also want to know peoples thoughts on idea, if you feel so inclined.
Now for the post.


Did you do this?
Could you do it now?
Directing your tasks,
Asking that and
This, waiting for the home.
The order to stay,
But Shoes are strewn
Socks dirty
Kitchen a mess
I like the mother see,
The tasks you left,
When you dream.

A moment we are together,
But now It’s gone.

I cry
A child, lost.
Wanting and suppressing.
It’s not mine to ask,
But I long for it all the same.
Your time,
The shelf I can’t reach.
Your attention
The item I can,
but know I’ll get caught.
I am still young.
I don’t know the words to say,
Desires are nameless,
Yet you ask,
Silence replies.
I cannot help it,
It’s real and out of reach.

Your attention hard to steer.
Can’t you see the future?
Consequences? Deadlines?
No, it takes time
It takes growth.
You are the son.

I lay on your lap,
You hold me together
Guard me from the darkness
That reaches.
I tell you about the darkness,
You only partially see.
Protect me.
I am the daughter.

Balance, Balance!
The scales in motion long to stop.
Then we see our eyes,
And create,
Finally one.