The Colors There

Rose and green and blue
and gold-
Circling in the air
I would have taken a step to see
but I feared finding nothing there.

others passed, and ‘Ooow’ed and ‘Awh’ed”
or sighed a wondering sigh.
still, Still I felt I should stay,
content it was a lie

For even if the rainbow,
stays-
still no gold I’d find.

So I walked back
to a dimmer place,
warning passers by
that, that lure of lights
may not be,
all you had in mind.

Now I think no colors,
Ever danced in the sky
t’was a trick and nothing more,
I won’t believe it until I die.

I’m content, in the dark,
Where nothing satisfies.
for if you never have it,
it’s never left behind.

Feelings unsaid

We keep quiet because we fear to hurt,or more likely fear to be hated by one we strive to make happy,someone we long to call friend.
They talk in daggers, kick the ideas we hold, but they are our friend so we stay silent until the end.

It is hard sometimes, living in a place where your values and thoughts are either dismissed as the minority, a special case, or worse that you as a person don't really even have those beliefs in and of yourself and through your logical, emotional and spiritual development but rather that those beliefs are thrust upon you or part of a mass mind set that you just fell into in order to fit in the group.
There is I guess another option to, shared by someone dear to me that I am just ignorant.
I was going write more, but the fact is I still can't. I wish there was a balance in the world, but there is not.

Motherhood

So about 8 months ago I said I was going to post regularly...it didn't happen. What did happen is I gave birth to a beautiful and cheerful boy. He takes more energy then I had expected.
I have learned there are women out there that seem to be able to have a baby, a career, and time to socialize without letting one seem to slip: But that is the extraordinary exception. I've had to come to terms that I am not one of those one in five million women who are the exception.
As soon as I set a goal to do something for myself or otherwise, something will come up: My son will have a bad night and need to be held almost all day, the house will be extra dirty or we'll need run to the store/doctor/whatever. I can not devote a day to be in a fantasy world to write fifteen to twenty pages. I have learned I must ignore the assumptions that since I am a full-time mother I must have loads of free time.
I have learned from a childhood of trying everything just enough, that while it aloud me to do a lot of things, I was never able to refine any one thing. In other words, I never devoted enough time to be a proficient. I don't want that to be true of being a mother and wife. If there is anything worth putting aside some of my other ambitions for (at least for a while) it is my family. It may be sad to say when people ask that I have not done more financially or in a field, but It is a choice. For me, I am a mother and I want to be one of the best despite the cost.

Safe in my hands,
Where the world can’t reach.
I hold you close to the soothing beat.

Sleep now, dear baby,
I’ll be the watch.
The sea will toss and turn,
But I will cradle you,
Until at you can swim.

Soon you will leave me,
To battles of your own.
For now, though,
Awake to a smile,
Dry your tears with my touch.